In the Spirit of Thanksgiving: Mother Who Lost Son Finds Strength in Helping Others
Right Image: HELPING OTHERS — Arvis Jones at a recent Hathaway-Sycamores event where children from the Grief and Loss Choir performed under Arvis’ direction. Jones, who is a loss and grief counselor, lost her son last year when he was killed while talking to his friend on his porch.
L.A. Watts Times
November 26, 2009
BY ERIKA A. MCCARDEN
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Traditionally, Thanksgiving is a time when family and friends gather to express gratitude. This holiday, Arvis Jones, a grief and loss counselor, finds herself giving special thanks to the community she’s helped over the years cope with the sudden loss of a loved one.
Jones has spent her entire career helping children and their families cope with grief and loss. She was the first African American music therapist employed by Arts & Services for the Disabled, and the first music therapist at the Los Angeles Child Guidance Clinic. Whether it’s a murder-suicide, homicide, or death from natural causes, it’s not unusual for her to be called to comfort a child at a crime scene in the middle of the night, or be at the side of a teen at a family member’s memorial service.
“She’s very compassionate,” said Joan Cochran, executive director and founder of The Center for Grief and Loss for Children. “We understand how heavy the hearts are and how sad and distraught children and parents are when they lose someone. “Arvis stays in touch with families, visits them, brings them food, clothes, and connects them in whatever way they need. It’s never just a one-hour counseling session. Once a family enters our lives we stay with them.”
By day Jones, an assistant director of The Center for Grief and Loss for Children, a program of Hathaway-Sycamores Child and Family Services, provides grief and loss training for therapists, clinicians, teachers and parents to help provide supportive counseling to families in grief. She also conducts free English and Spanish biweekly group support workshops to all family members. At night she’s busy checking in on “her” families, tending to the Watts Gang Task Force and responding to calls from L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s Crisis Response Team.
“Every case impacts my life. When I work with a child or youth and can reach them, it’s incredible,” Jones said. “I’ll often go to the crime scene, funerals, memorial services, whatever is needed to support the family. I also help with finding mentoring programs and tutors for the children, and help parents with locating and securing city resources.”
Claudia Riley sought Jones’ assistance after her children lost their paternal grandmother and great grandmother within a few weeks. “It was a triple whammy. They lost their paternal grandparents, and their father who they saw on a regular basis moved away,” Riley said. “Mrs. Jones extended herself so much of herself. She taught us coping skills, how to think of the positive fun things of that person and live in their memory. She helped us push ourselves to get through it and use resources around us, like parents, friends, family and her staff. “And, she even gives out her personal phone number so that she can be reached at any time.”
Jones added, “You can literally change a child’s life for the better, and that is extremely fulfilling. Grief touches all of us. As a grief counselor, I am trained to be as personable, loving, and as kind as can be. Grief counseling is so very different from many other forms of therapy because it has the capacity to stir up one’s own feelings.” This statement is a testament to Jones, who was tested last year after her only son, 39-year-old Damon Jones, was shot and killed while sitting on his porch talking with a friend. The case remains unsolved, and it was devastating news that shocked some of the community which looked to her as their personal hero. “When her son died it took all of our breaths away. We held it together as best we could. There was a lot of prayer and we took care of each other as we do the hundreds of families we help,” Cochran said. “But, she didn’t miss a beat. She was still there for the community even in her own grief.”
Damon Jones’ funeral was well attended, Cochran said, and Jones’ mother made a special request for the young men not to show up in baggy attire. “We all supported her. The young men showed up in nice shirts and pants. And when she got up to talk she said, ‘Look at all these beautiful people,’ ” Cochran said. “We went to her house, brought her food. The kids in the Grief and Loss Choir sang to her. But, she didn’t want people to act special toward her. Arvis really wanted them to understand that grief is part of life.”
Riley added, “When we heard the news Mrs. Jones’ son was killed, it was like one of mine. And how she bounced back — it was so hard to think it could happen to her. It was validity that it’s just not me. Everyone else she helped, or tried to help, turned around and got really strong for her. It was a unique healing process for us all.”
In addition to grief and loss counseling, Jones also uses musical intervention to reach children. She started a musical choir four years ago comprised of close to 60 children and youth who are recovering from grief and loss. The choir proved to be a major therapeutic break through for many of the children. Jones said she’s found music to be powerful, and remembered a 4-year-old in her workshop whose dad died; the boy participated in the choir, “and loved it so much,” she said. “His mother said it was the first time she’d seen him smile since his father died,” Arvis said. Later she added: “When I look back, I understood grief and loss better, and my experience has helped me. I’m still handling it, but seeing the children come in and start to support each other and connect is so rewarding. Doing this work is what gave me more strength.”
For more information about The Center for Grief and Loss for Children at Hathaway-Sycamores, contact (866) 744-7433, or its Spanish line at (213) 792-6069. Jones may also be reached directly at (213) 924-3510.
